I was just watching an interview by Russell Howard with Jordan Peterson and he mentioned something that really hit home.
It’s well known that he went through a period of depression but I’ve never heard him describe it in so much detail in previous interviews. He speaks about how he was extremely sensitive to sensory inputs, to the point where he couldn’t listen to music because it affected him so much. I immediately recognised this as something that changed in me after my friend Amber died in 2016. There are many more things that overwhelm me with emotion since that happened, from music to films to any depiction of people experiencing great joy.
The most recent example was something of a shock to me when it happened. I was perusing YouTube, following the recommendations wherever they took me, and I came across the video below.
Even looking up that embed code and seeing the first few seconds I could feel the emotion starting to overtake my body.
I’ve long thought that I may have wasted my life. At this point in my mid-40s I “should be” married with 2.4 kids, a fulfilling job, and a great and active social circle.
I think I have a fulfilling job, recent health-related absenses notwithstanding, which I really enjoy. Most of my colleagues are great and very supportive, and I feel like I’m actually doing some good most of the time. I’m finding various aspects of the company’s growth from startup to, err, whatever the next stage is, to be incredibly frustrating, but I wouldn’t necessarily characterise it as bad.
My social circle is limited but fantastic. Covid has greatly affected this, at least I think it has - when I look back at recent years I’m not so sure it’s had as much of an effect as I want to think it has. Since Amber got sick I’ve struggled to maintain social activities; she was always a driving force behind that in my life. I’m not great at maintaining social ties on my own, never had been.
As for being married and having kids, there’s not even a flicker of hope that it might happen. I could write long passages on why I think that is but it ultimately boils down to the fact that I can’t fathom the possibility that anyone would want to date me, never mind commit to a relationship and even contemplate sharing the responsibility for other living things with me.
This, I think, is the core of my struggles. I don’t consider myself worthy of much. And the self-confidence I do have is often surrounded by lashings of self-doubt and caveats. I know I’m conflating self-worth and self-confidence but I feel they are intrinsically related; you can’t have one without the other.
Starting with social activities and extending to dating, I don’t think enough of myself to believe it’s possible that people would want to spend time with me, much less be interested in my opinions. It’s for this reason that I don’t really start conversations in social situations, not even in the WhatsApp and Telegram group chats I’m part of. And when I do weigh into a conversation I quickly lose confidence in what I’m saying.
What I find a little odd is that if I think I’m right in a conversation I will sometimes gradually get more agressive with the people who disagree. I can be very stubborn when I think I’m right and I’m not overly invested in the long-term opinion the person or people I’m talking to have of me. This isn’t something I do consciously, but I’ve definitely observed this behaviour in myself.
Which brings me to the one context in which I feel most confident…
Most of the time I feel quite strongly that I am good at my job. Certainly not perfect, but good. It’s often also surrounded by lashings of self-doubt and caveats, but for the most part I consider myself to be a better-than-average software engineer, and a competent software architect (which is my chosen area of speciality).
For the most part this view of myself has been reinforced by colleagues and bosses throughout my career. I’ve made my share of mistakes but feedback has overall been very positive.
So what I seem to have is something of a split personality, confidence-wise. Work is fine, but my personal life is something of a shit-show.
I was bullied at school. A lot. Geeky, fat, bespectacled, and socially awkward, though I’m not sure whether that last trait was there from day one or was also a result of the bullying. I learned over the years to shrink into a corner and be as quiet as I can. And I still do it now.
When out at the pub, or at any other social occasion, you’ll find me off to the side, often alone, just people watching. I love people watching - they’re fascinating. But you’ll have to get me pretty drunk to get me up and dancing, or the centre of attention in any size of group.
I can handle one-on-one conversation; I’m good at that. I’ve been told I’m a great listener, and I’ve also been taught I share way to much way too soon with strangers. I’m not sure if that’s a problem or not, it certainly hasn’t been so far but I may just have been lucky.
Sometimes I think I am, but I also think that’s probably because I’ve resigned myself to accepting that this is who I am. I struggle to think that I deserve anything more.
I don’t know, but I’m trying to find out.